Misplaced Notes, Missing Lyrics

Have you ever experienced pausing midway of a song and trying to grab on to nothing?

I often find myself suspended in that limbo. No matter how many times I play back a song, no matter how many times I practice, I forget the words or where to place my fingers. This is why I don't trust myself to perform solos. No way. Or at least not now.

I read somewhere that such forgetfulness is borne out of distraction. But in my case, no. I do not think of anything else when I play. Well... I do not think of anything at all. Not even the piece. I don't run pieces in my head when I play, like watching a dummy board when talking in front of cameras. I tend to rely on hard wired muscle memory, using the succession of notes to cue me in on the words.

I tried playing with a dummy board in my mind, but found myself more prone to mistakes. I tried reading words and sheets while playing. I paused more often than necessary. With memorization, I play (relatively) smoothly and more tranquilly. I hate dependence on the sheets and papers.

But there's a point where a song just stops. It doesn't want to work with me. And I'm clasping empty air, missed notes and lyrics. I rehash the song from the beginning and find myself pausing at the same moments, losing more as I trudge along. Falling on quicksand. Another song has moved beyond me, not wanting to cooperate.

In due time, my head and hands finally get it. But it's never the same magic.