Assessments

Performers often assess their performances after shows. Here's mine: I have made a total ass of myself yesterday. I don't mind looking like a fool in front of audiences. I can live with personal mistakes (excruciating, but I must bear humiliation and punishment for stupid lapses), but never when they occur at the expense of others. Yesterday I have let my leader down. I have humiliated four dancers in front of tens of audiences. I have shamed them in front of their colleagues. How they managed is inconsequential to me and it doesn't matter that I was able to recover halfway through the number. I have no excuse.

It's amazing how circumstances can take you from the highest high to the lowest. Just this Monday I performed a duet for invocation and three anthems with a violinist friend. Among the audience members were foreigners, representatives from the biggest private corporations in the country, and attendees from different local government units. It wasn't a performance per se (do we count invocations as a performance?). But I felt honored and equally responsible for a good show because I carried the name of my school, and the president the university was present. We made mistakes, but forgivable ones.

Monday was the first time I ever sat and played my guitar in such an atmosphere. Considering that the last "public performance" I gave with my guitar was back in high school. It was a simple, one song number for our class adviser, coming from us graduates. I played alone. As I mentioned, I am dreadfully afraid of solos, which was what made group perfs more bearable pre- and during shows. I don't really know what happened yesterday. I was lead drummer, and I went through all rehearsals (two days' worth) confidently. I know the piece - I have been playing it for the past four years and am as familiar with it as the backs of my hands. I wasn't particularly nervous when it was our turn to play. The result: I fcking missed my beat and I wasn't able to recover.

I felt like an ass seeing the dancers' confused movements, our lead's disappointment painted on her face. Fck fck fck.

Performers always believe they could have done better. We are our worst critics. But often this sentiment isn't just borne out of pride or confidence. Mistakes cannot be erased or redone, and performers always answer to themselves, beyond their team, beyond the dancers and the co-musicians. Right now, I'm just disappointed with myself. I don't think I'll ever live this down and I don't know if I could ever trust myself in the near future. I will forgive in time (in time), but not now. Yesterday was too sickening.

Making Progress II (?)

Actually, I'm not. The last one I learned is still Tarrega's Adelita. Saving up for a copy of Jose Valdez's arrangements. I saw a few and more at National Bookstore SM North EDSA branch. Sooo, if you wanna learn a few classical pieces (and if you hate dislike are not yet used to writing and/or reading notes) head on there.

A violinist friend also mentioned to look out for sheets at Sound Essentials. If you're a QC person, there's a branch over at SM North EDSA. Haven't gone there yet, though.

What have I been doing? Besides regurgitating my basic repertoire (which I haven't mastered yet), I'm playing substitute-kudyapi, an indigenous Filipino instrument. Here's a sampler from master Samaon Sulaiman, whom I had the privilege of watching and recording ... er, 3 years ago? He was an imam, GaMaBa awardee, master kudyapi player and, yes, town barber. He passed away 2 years ago, and I count myself lucky to have seen him play live.

Why "substitute-kudyapi?" I don't own one, though I would love to acquire one in the future. If and when I do, I think I should apprentice under an experienced player. The kudyapi isn't just an instrument -- it's a work of art and a cultural artifact. It's not something one just learns from YT. Looks easy, but it is so not. I don't think even experienced guitar soloists can play hammer-ons/pull-offs that fast, plus play percussion with the right hand. And I don't think guitarists can do it on their shoulders, hahahha!

Anyway, to make your own substitute-kudyapi, grab your acoustic/classical guitar and tune the 1st and 2nd strings to C. So you have EADGCC. You can try other combinations, as long as the sound comes out right in your ears (I think). Don't mind strings 3-6, and you won't need to muffle them. Stroke direction is upwards. I've seen a few play downwards, but the standard is upwards. I'm not really sure if this stroke direction's strictly the traditional way, but it makes sense since string 1 serves as melody and string 2 the drone. Keep this in mind: kudyapi is a 2-stringed drone and melody instrument. Only the lower string is fretted.

Some players use a finger pick, but long nails are okay. We had a few kudyapi in Kontra-Gapi's stockroom, so at least I had the chance to play the real thing. It was painful on the fingertips, and it was awkward to carry and hold. But it was simple and fun, and I didn't feel at all afraid to improvise a tune.

Going Solo

I'm writing an artist's bio for something big that I won't share just right now because I'm afraid I might get jinxed. I'm seriously debating whether I should or not write "She's afraid of performing solo," and "She shakes, gets the jitters and messes up the pieces on stage." Then I'll follow it up with "She greatly enjoys making and playing music with other people, though" to counterbalance the first.

I'm also thinking if I should add "She loves to watch the faces of each of her audience members - catch the brilliance in their eyes and store in her memory the wonder etched on their mouths."

Those faces, I don't quite know how to explain them. When I'm on stage I feel like I'm watching the greatest show on Earth: the majesty of a face distorted by the discovery of something beautiful. They're so mystical and they fill my heart with purpose.

This is why I perform. It's all for them.