Assessments

Performers often assess their performances after shows. Here's mine: I have made a total ass of myself yesterday. I don't mind looking like a fool in front of audiences. I can live with personal mistakes (excruciating, but I must bear humiliation and punishment for stupid lapses), but never when they occur at the expense of others. Yesterday I have let my leader down. I have humiliated four dancers in front of tens of audiences. I have shamed them in front of their colleagues. How they managed is inconsequential to me and it doesn't matter that I was able to recover halfway through the number. I have no excuse.

It's amazing how circumstances can take you from the highest high to the lowest. Just this Monday I performed a duet for invocation and three anthems with a violinist friend. Among the audience members were foreigners, representatives from the biggest private corporations in the country, and attendees from different local government units. It wasn't a performance per se (do we count invocations as a performance?). But I felt honored and equally responsible for a good show because I carried the name of my school, and the president the university was present. We made mistakes, but forgivable ones.

Monday was the first time I ever sat and played my guitar in such an atmosphere. Considering that the last "public performance" I gave with my guitar was back in high school. It was a simple, one song number for our class adviser, coming from us graduates. I played alone. As I mentioned, I am dreadfully afraid of solos, which was what made group perfs more bearable pre- and during shows. I don't really know what happened yesterday. I was lead drummer, and I went through all rehearsals (two days' worth) confidently. I know the piece - I have been playing it for the past four years and am as familiar with it as the backs of my hands. I wasn't particularly nervous when it was our turn to play. The result: I fcking missed my beat and I wasn't able to recover.

I felt like an ass seeing the dancers' confused movements, our lead's disappointment painted on her face. Fck fck fck.

Performers always believe they could have done better. We are our worst critics. But often this sentiment isn't just borne out of pride or confidence. Mistakes cannot be erased or redone, and performers always answer to themselves, beyond their team, beyond the dancers and the co-musicians. Right now, I'm just disappointed with myself. I don't think I'll ever live this down and I don't know if I could ever trust myself in the near future. I will forgive in time (in time), but not now. Yesterday was too sickening.

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

Hi!

I forgot to post last week. No good news though. I'm still stuck with my repertoire, making slow progress on Hey Jude and Ikaw fingerstyles.

Anyway, I just unearthed my bamboo flute. Horrendous sound, but it'll do for now.

I'll post 2 videos hopefully within the week. Faulty net connection and all.

I miss playing my djembe with a group.

Making Progress: Right Hand Sixteenths

At last, I'm making good progress on this song I've been trying to learn since forever. When I wrote that blog post, I was stuck with the sixteenths. My right hand (P I M) just can't keep up with the movement and speed. Now I'm very proud to say that that part is done! I'm anchoring my ring finger on the sounding board though; I don't know if that's right by classical playing standards (I don't think it is, but it's working for me). I'm hoping that this exercise will help me when I get to tremolo (in 10 years, maybe). I'm moving on to practicing making a smoother transition between the left hand positions. The transitions from 1st to 2nd position, and from 2nd to 3rd position are the most difficult.

But after the sixteenths, everything else seems so much easier to execute. I am anticipating another plateau once I get past left hand transitions and on to the second movement of the song, the part where everything else is played one octave higher. I'm not very good past the 12th fret; I'm having difficulty pressing and sustaining a note. But I'm so glad I'm using a classical guitar now. I would have given up a long time ago if I was still using an acoustic.

As for the other parts, I'm doing fine. Still need more practicing though. With the rhythm, I'm trying to slow down for better expressivo. As for the melody, I'm trying to memorize the notes. My hammer-ons suck, sooo I have a long way to go with Tarrega's Adelita. I'm still using the 2-guitar version, but maybe I'll try melding the two, like in the video. Try searching for Comptine d'un autre ete lapres midi on YouTube and you'll find that almost no 2 guitarist play this song the same way. Not that that helps, but at least it's saying anyone can tab this song. With enough patience, anyway. I remember a period when I did have patience and transcribed this song, both melody and rhythm, based on the 2-guitar version I linked above. But I can't remember if I did write the notes down before my patience finally ran out. Oh well.

Regarding my progress on classical pieces... well, I haven't really made much since I've finished Adelita. I promised I would do Bach's Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring, but I can't seem to convince myself to write the sheet music down on my notebook.

Homework (credit to)

Gaah! I really hate reading sheet music. But I must if I want to learn this. Just gimme a few more days to sulk then I'll carry my a**, thank you very much.

March 13, 2013. Uploaded video. Trying to play the sixteenths without resting my ring finger on the sounding board. But I just had to in this video. And still sulking through sheet music.