Assessments

Performers often assess their performances after shows. Here's mine: I have made a total ass of myself yesterday. I don't mind looking like a fool in front of audiences. I can live with personal mistakes (excruciating, but I must bear humiliation and punishment for stupid lapses), but never when they occur at the expense of others. Yesterday I have let my leader down. I have humiliated four dancers in front of tens of audiences. I have shamed them in front of their colleagues. How they managed is inconsequential to me and it doesn't matter that I was able to recover halfway through the number. I have no excuse.

It's amazing how circumstances can take you from the highest high to the lowest. Just this Monday I performed a duet for invocation and three anthems with a violinist friend. Among the audience members were foreigners, representatives from the biggest private corporations in the country, and attendees from different local government units. It wasn't a performance per se (do we count invocations as a performance?). But I felt honored and equally responsible for a good show because I carried the name of my school, and the president the university was present. We made mistakes, but forgivable ones.

Monday was the first time I ever sat and played my guitar in such an atmosphere. Considering that the last "public performance" I gave with my guitar was back in high school. It was a simple, one song number for our class adviser, coming from us graduates. I played alone. As I mentioned, I am dreadfully afraid of solos, which was what made group perfs more bearable pre- and during shows. I don't really know what happened yesterday. I was lead drummer, and I went through all rehearsals (two days' worth) confidently. I know the piece - I have been playing it for the past four years and am as familiar with it as the backs of my hands. I wasn't particularly nervous when it was our turn to play. The result: I fcking missed my beat and I wasn't able to recover.

I felt like an ass seeing the dancers' confused movements, our lead's disappointment painted on her face. Fck fck fck.

Performers always believe they could have done better. We are our worst critics. But often this sentiment isn't just borne out of pride or confidence. Mistakes cannot be erased or redone, and performers always answer to themselves, beyond their team, beyond the dancers and the co-musicians. Right now, I'm just disappointed with myself. I don't think I'll ever live this down and I don't know if I could ever trust myself in the near future. I will forgive in time (in time), but not now. Yesterday was too sickening.